Power Is Something You're Either Giving Away... or Owning
So: what'll it be?
When you think of power, what do you see in your mind’s eye?
An electrical plug-in?
A rippled, muscular arm?
A CEO?
We all will have different images in our minds, but our world around us definitely conditions us to recall certain images.
We’re far more likely to see a man in a suit and tie…
… than we are to see a young woman in a hijab, wouldn’t you say?
The fact that those images are more or less likely to come to our minds has nothing whatsoever to do with the inherent power of those types of people.
What it does have to do with is
the power these people are usually granted in our society, and
the lessons we’ve all repeatedly learned, over the years we’ve lived in this society — the ways we’ve been conditioned by it.
Power is something we all inherently have.
But many — or even most — of us are conditioned to give it away…
… and/or others are conditioned to take it away from us.
But it doesn’t need to be that way.
We can own our own power…
… in a way that no one can take it away from us.
Power Dynamics in Human Relationships
You’re meeting somebody for coffee at a neighborhood cafe.
How much do you hustle to get there on time… or even early?
That depends on who you’re meeting, probably.
Right?
➡️ Say you’re meeting a close friend. You’re likely fairly relaxed and not too worried about what time you actually arrive.
➡️ Say you’re meeting someone who needs something from you. You are doing them a favor by meeting with them and spending the time with them. You are likely to be even more relaxed… because what would it matter if they had to wait a bit? You are going out of your way to be there for them at all, right?
➡️ Now, say you have requested the meeting of someone else, and you are the one who needs something. Say you are meeting a wealthy person who you’d like to ask to support the organization you work for. If you were running late in this scenario… how stressed would you be? I’m guessing pretty stressed. Yes?
These different scenarios demonstrate interpersonal power dynamics.
Who holds power. Who doesn’t.
Who has more. Who has less.
Who bends over backward for who…
Who carries the stress of a situation…
Who doesn’t carry as much stress — if any.
Make sense?
OK.
Now, you get to share your own input on these dynamics.
Don’t answer how you think you should answer. Answer with what you think is actually most likely in a typical scenario in our society….
So.
What do you think?
Can you see the power dynamics at play in these scenarios?
On the one hand, I think they seem obvious…
… but on the other, I think these dynamics have a way of hiding.
We often don’t see them.
But yet we’re still affected by them.
Everywhere.
All the time.
Power Dynamics in Hierarchies
Hierarchies are reinforced by patriarchy.
They’re reinforced by capitalism.
They’re reinforced by racism, colorism, classism, caste, sexism.
Essentially, they’re reinforced by about every widespread, prevailing force in our dominant culture worldwide.
We’ve become so accustomed to living within hierarchies that many of us don’t even consciously process them anymore.
We just subconsciously know our place…
… and we stay in it.
The reality is that power dynamics within hierarchies are mostly reinforced by the kinds of interpersonal dynamics outlined above.
The way we relate to individuals, one by one, or small-group by small-group, reinforces for everyone the power dynamics encompassed in the hierarchy.
Hierarchies are almost always shaped something like this:
One, or a few, are at the top…
while many are at the bottom.
And usually the ones at the top hold all of the power…
… while the ones at the bottom hold next-to-none, right?
But here’s the thing.
Look at that structure.
The top of the pyramid would not even be able to exist, without the bottom holding it up. The bottom of the pyramid is the foundation. The bottom of the pyramid contains far more weight and strength. The bottom of the pyramid is what makes the entire structure’s existence possible.
Now imagine that pyramid filled with people.
There are far more people at the bottom, yes?
Inherently, that means that there is far more power at the bottom…
… unless people there are giving it away.
Giving Away Our Power
Giving away our power is usually not very conscious.
We do it subconsciously, when we encounter certain people…
… like those with more money than us, or more masculine than us, or whiter skin than us, or more famous than us, or in a powerful role or official position.
We do it when we feel shame.
We do it when we lack confidence.
We do it because we’ve been taught to do so.
And here’s the thing.
Changes within our societal dynamics — the persistent ones like racism, colorism, classism, sexism, ableism, and more — are not ever going to change… unless all of us, one by one, decide to stop participating in them actively — which is to say, stop giving away our inherent power.
I’m not talking about protesting.
I’m not talking about letters to the editor, or to politicians.
I’m not talking about all of the external ways we usually think true change is going to come about in our world.
External change is shallow.
External change is fragile, if it’s not backed by accompanying internal changes within the humans who are involved.
True change is internal, it is quiet, it is intra- and inter-personal — since the intra- and inter-personal canvas is the one on which all of our lives are actually lived…right?
So.
POWER REALLY SHIFTS… when it shifts INSIDE US.
We need to stop giving away our power in the quiet moments we spend with ourselves… and we need to stop giving it away in interactions with others.
📖 Let me tell you a story to illustrate what I’m talking about. 📖
This is the story of the first five-figure gift I ever raised, as a fundraiser.
I was meeting this donor for the first time.
He was an older white man, and I knew he was very wealthy — two things that would usually make a young, not-wealthy woman like me feel lesser-than, which would likely make me deferent, and/or nervous, and/or off-my-game.
To make matters worse, the power dynamic swayed even further out of my favor, when I arrived to the meeting.
I had had a MORNING… full of problems and rushing (like SO many of us do)… and thus, I arrived for our 9AM meeting at probably 9:02 or 9:03AM.
Not egregiously late…
… but late.
I was hoping he maybe hadn’t arrived yet.
But as I looked through the cafe for him, I saw him sitting, in a very settled way, as though he’d been there awhile, in one of the booths.
He looked at me and waved, in a brusque way.
Just that image I’ve described:
can you see it?
POWER WAS IN HIS COURT.
I walked up to greet him.
As I sat down, he started to… lecture me, basically.
“You know,” this long-time business executive who had made millions with stock options at his exponentially growing company said.
“You really shouldn’t keep a donor waiting.”
He went on to give me a bit more unsolicited “advice,” while I nodded and listened.
I might have felt a bit of shame.
That would be normal, I’d think.
But if I did, I don’t really remember it.
Because if it was there, it was gone in a flash.
My primary response was to sit in and own my power. He wasn’t “better” than me. He wasn’t more powerful than me. He didn’t really have anything “over” me. But he was another human being who I had kept waiting.
I felt that.
I wished I hadn’t done that.
I knew I could have done better.
But I didn’t need to beat myself up over it.
So as I spoke, I responded really simply, in a firm and confident voice:
“You’re right. Thank you for saying that. I apologize, I shouldn’t have kept you waiting.”
And just like that, the moment was over…
… and we started really connecting, human-to-human, in a way I don’t think we would have ever connected if that hadn’t been how our meeting started.
We talked for a long time.
I got to understand him deeply, quite well.
And I knew just the perfect gift to suggest to him.
So I teased the idea to him, a real pie-in-the-sky sort of suggestion, in that initial conversation, and then I went back to talk to my Executive Director about it.
A few weeks later, we invited him to our org for a tour, and especially to see/explore the project.
He was in.
He had come with his checkbook, and he pulled it out and filled out that FIVE-FIGURE CHECK right then and there.
The JOY I felt, seeing that significant need, met by this man’s help (a project that, because I now knew him so well, I knew brought him a lot of joy), was profound.
And here’s the rub.
ALL of that happened…
… because, way back when, in that coffee shop weeks ago, in a potentially fraught interaction between one wealthy older man and one younger not-wealthy woman, I hadn’t given away any of my power.
I had claimed it.
I had sat in it.
And powerful things were thus able to happen…
… that ultimately made this world a better place.
Owning Our Power
Owning our power does not have to be for the few.
Owning our power can and should be for the many.
In fact, as we discussed earlier, the more that “the many” owns its power, the more we’ll all be living in the truth, and the less we’ll all have to think we’re held hostage by a few wealthy, selfish men (because, let’s be honest, THAT is who is holding the power cards now, or, really, who has been for our entire modern era).
There are far more of us.
And we are all far less selfish.
And the more we all really lean into community — to our shared humanity, to our collective liberation, to the fact that we’re all in it together and thus will be there for each other no matter what any of us needs — the more we will step into our power.
Owning our power also doesn’t need to be complicated.
There are quite simple ways to do so.
We explored two ways together earlier this week.
First, Brother Viktor spoke to us from the aftermath of the Holocaust, where he was profoundly hated, imprisoned, inflicted with unspeakable violence.
He could be forgiven for feeling powerless, oppressed as he was.
But no.
His life experiences taught him this:
Between stimulus and response, there is a space.
In that space is our power to choose our response.
In our response lies our growth and our freedom.
― Viktor E. Frankl
So simple, right?
But yet… often so hard, right?
But still… simple.
So even if it’s hard, it’s doable.
We can all learn to increase that space between a stimulus and our response, to own our power to actively choose our response, rather than just have knee-jerk reactions according to the ways our life experiences and traumas have conditioned us.
Then, there’s this poem:
Even
After
All this time,
The Sun never says to the Earth,
"You owe me."
Look
What happens
With a love like that.
It lights the whole sky.
― Hafiz
Again, this is simple.
We’re talking about generosity here.
Generosity can be hard if we’re worried about ourselves, if we feel like there’s not enough… and that only we can make sure that we get what we need.
But if, instead, we can relax… and create the kinds of community in our lives where we know that many, many people will be there for us and anything we need…
… that kind of generosity becomes much more possible.
Can you imagine giving like this?
Like the sun shining?
Shining and shining and shining, giving and giving and giving, without ever worrying about what we’re getting back?
Not martyrdom.
Generosity. In community. A community with mutual generosity, such that everyone gives when they can, and can receive when and whatever they need. With mutuality. With love and care. With a sense of our shared humanity.
What do you say?
How does all of this land for you?
💗