Drama Is SO Unnecessary
We get into this work because of our love for humanity... and so often, we run away from it because of drama
Drama is everywhere, in this work. At least in my experience. What about yours? The stories I’ve heard! The things I’ve personally experienced! Keep reading for some inspired-by-real-life examples… and my suggestions for how we can navigate out of it, and create new realities, day by day.
Learning: A Lesson
You’d think we were a bunch of theater kids.
Well, maybe that’s not far off. I know that I was a theater kid. And anecdotally, I’ve heard that there are a lot of us in this field. But that’s not an excuse for the amount of interpersonal drama we all seem to create, as we go about our work together.
We’re supposed to be here for the love of humanity, aren’t we? Aren’t we supposedly committed to our communities? To a sense of mission? How are we letting ourselves get so distracted? By ego trips? And pettiness? And… interpersonal politics?
I’ve seen/heard of all of this happening:
An Executive Director stomping their foot and throwing a bit of a tantrum because someone wouldn’t talk to them right when they wanted them to.
A colleague who would walk from cube to cube, talking in no more than a sly whisper, with the express purpose of stopping to gossip about everyone else.
A standing meeting before another standing meeting, in order to feel “prepared” for the original meeting and be able to collectively answer any/all questions that might come up from the (very critical and mal-humored) superior.
Managers being told to chasten their direct reports because higher-ups didn’t like how they behaved/what they said in a meeting with other departments.
Somebody mistakenly filling out an entry in an entry/exit log and ultimately getting fired over it, because superiors would not believe it was an oversight and were determined to call it a deliberate lie.
A very ego-centric dude getting up and conspicuously walking out of an auditorium when a woman who had very rightly called him to task got up on a stage to speak.
Colleagues refusing to work with each other after a nonprofit merger, leaving the original teams from each org operating independently of each other.
Bosses literally screaming at direct reports.
I could go on….
One thing I feel compelled to say, first off:
You know your ego has no place in this work. Right?
This is not your organization. As soon as your org was filed as a 501c3 or another nonprofit designation, that mission belonged to the collective. You answer to the public, to your community, for that mission. And no one answers to you.
This is not your job. Everything you are working on right now belongs to your organization and its mission. You will not be there forever. You are sitting in a certain seat on the ship… and many other people will sit in that seat, throughout the ship’s journey. Your task is to prepare the seat as best as possible to hand off to the next ones, so that their preparation and resources will be better off than yours.
You didn’t raise that money. Every single dollar raised is due to the dozens of people — both past and present — who have tended to that mission, done the collaborative work, cultivated relationships, achieved outcomes, made previous asks, had previous conversations, etc. Every single dollar raised is collaboratively raised.
None of this is about you.
None of it.
So why do we make it about ourselves so often?
Here are some things I suggest we all take to heart:
Abuse is never OK. This means that it is never OK to yell or scream at a colleague. And it is never OK to punish a colleague. And it is never OK to manipulate or force a colleague into something you want them to do. I could go on. Abusive behavior is not OK. And you should never allow anyone to be abusive to you at work, either.
When you communicate, say what you mean. My goodness, how much energy and time is wasted by miscommunication, misunderstanding, petty games, passive-aggression, game-playing, etc. Be direct. Be open. Be transparent. And just tell others what’s what. We do far too much of everything else but that.
Stop creating enemies. If you think someone is avoiding you, ask them directly what’s up, or if maybe you’re imagining it. If you fear someone is going for the same promotion as you are, just bring it up, talk about it directly, ask how they think you should both handle it. If you hear someone taking credit for something you did, approach them and let them know your perspective, then listen to see how they respond. In short, no one should be your enemy. And when you encounter conflict with someone else, just address it as directly as possible. With them.
Stop burying things. I refer to this phenomenon as the “subterranean” reality — which is always lurking under the surface of the reality we can directly see or touch. This is where our feelings hang out. Our biases, too. This is where our knee-jerk responses come from. This is where our traumas go to sleep, until they’re awoken by something happening above-ground. We let so much of how we relate to others on-the-ground be completely influenced by the subterranean. And we don’t need to. We are fully conscious beings. If we actually tune in, we can discover and know what’s happening underneath the surface in a situation. But the only way we can bring it to the surface, then, is to openly talk about it. This can be as simple as asking something like this: “I just felt the energy in the room change when I said that. What’s going on?”
Aim for honest, trusting, caring, collaborative relationships. We’re talking talking about things, rather than avoiding them. We’re talking telling people our actual thoughts and feelings. We’re talking doing what we promise. We’re talking honoring others’ thoughts and feelings. We’re talking showing up for others when they need support. We’re talking asking for help when we need it. You dig? Do you think you might actually start to enjoy your work more, if your relationships there were more like this?
Were you sad to miss the Community Care Collective: A Taste event last week? I heard from many of you who were. Good news! Another one is happening next month: December 18th, 3-5PM Central. Register today… and then fiercely hold the spot on your calendar!
Wanna learn more about it? Listen to this podcast episode, where my colleague Betsy and I talk all about our vision and plans for the collective. ⬇️
Conversation: Your Responses
Got more to say? Visit the comments section!
Are you looking for some comrades to commiserate with? How about some peers to level-set something for you? Or someone to help you find what you need… because they did it themself last year? All of this, and more, is what I anticipate happening at Community-Weaving for Fundraisers.
Just fundraisers. Gathering for (virtual) lunch together. Twice a month. Year-round. Chatting and supporting each other via WhatsApp in between lunches. Being there for each other. All you need to do is show up, be present. I facilitate, organize, and create the container.
The Waiting List is open now. Get on it!
Practice: Make It Yours
Here’s where you’ll take some of what we’re talking about today and make it your own. Here’s where you’ll embody it and bring it to life.
I suggest you try one or all of these, in the next week or two:
If you notice something as you’re relating to someone else, just bring it up. This can be as simple as saying something like this: “I just felt the energy in the room change when I said that. What’s going on?” Take what your body and intuition are picking up… and verbalize it. And see what happens. Bonus points for reporting back here, as I’d love to hear some real-life stories.
If you’ve felt like you’re not on the best terms with someone at work, ask them out to lunch. Spend a lot of time just getting to know each other — the real human behind the work roles. That’s priority one. Then, whenever you feel like the energy between you has begun to shift a bit (and it could take a while), maybe just ask them about anything you’ve been wondering about with them.
The next time you’re tempted to do or say something passive-aggressive (which is to say, trying to get what you want without directly doing or saying anything), catch yourself. Ask yourself why you’re doing this. If the answer is just “habit” or something relatively benign, change your action to something much more direct… and watch what happens in response. If the answer to your question is not as benign, you’ll clearly have a problem to address. So address it.
Inspiration: Something to Reflect On
I love Prentis Hemphill and their profound wisdom. 💗 If you’re not familiar with Prentis, they are a teacher, an embodiment coach, a writer, and an experienced group and conflict facilitator… who holds the importance of intimate, body-centered transformation as key to healing and justice.
This video is must-watch and totally related to today’s topic.
Click below to watch it! ⬇️
For the Love of Humanity is an online community made up of, and generously supported by, its readers and listeners (like you).
Your support — whether through a Supporting Subscription, or through leaving a “heart” or a comment on posts, or by sharing published pieces, or simply by bringing your presence here and helping to grow this community — is so appreciated.
Not ready to become a Supporting Subscriber… but still grateful for this content and want to offer some support?
Find For the Love of Humanity elsewhere and join us there too!