When I got sick, my people showed up.
So many signed up for our Meal Train — many providing multiple meals for us throughout the course of my treatments.
I also asked for volunteers to go on walks with me, to keep me both active and connected. A number of people chose that one.
Some people mailed thoughtful care packages.
And more….
And as I sat there receiving it all, contemplating all of the love coming our way, one huge thing was clear to me: had the roles been reversed, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have “had time” to do the same for them.
Oh, I’d have wanted to. And I’d have probably felt guilty for how long it took me to get it done, or that I missed my chance because I was “too busy.”
But overall, before my breast cancer diagnosis, I’d grown used to having my life so jam-packed with meetings, and commitments, and responsibilities, and projects… and just doing life… that I almost never had any breathing room.
That had been the norm, for me — for a loooong time. Like, since I learned that way as a high school student committed to fifty-cajillion extra-curriculars, on top of demanding classes and other non-school activities, all in the effort to get a good scholarship and college admission result.
Open slot on the calendar?
Oh yes, I can schedule that there.
Open slots are places to be filled.
And that…
… is a problem.
Because when that’s how you’re setting up your life? You cannot seek out, and create, and enjoy the community you need in order to thrive as a human being.
Community isn’t possible if you’re busy.
Community isn’t possible if you’re over-scheduled.
Community isn’t possible if you think everything has to be “efficient.”
Want community in your life?
Time to open your calendar…
… and let in the breathing room.
But how?
Notice Where You’re Rote
You likely have areas of your life where you don’t even think about what you’re doing — you just repeatedly do the things you’re doing like a reflex.
These are things you’ve probably been doing for a while.
Think through your daily, weekly, monthly life.
What are these things?
What are you doing repeatedly?
What are you doing pretty-much just out of habit?
And which of these habitual, repeated actions might be unnecessary… or even unhelpful… so you’d be better off quitting them?
Audit your habits.
Make some assessments.
Notice Where Things Are Taking Longer Than They Should
Now that you’re in the self-assessment groove…
… move to evaluating where certain things may be sucking up a lot of your time, especially if they really shouldn’t need that much time.
Think through your days.
Think through your weeks.
Think through your months.
Where do you see things that are dominating way more hours than they should? What are things that are stretching to fill time that they don’t need?
Identify those things.
Explore how you can shorten — or even eliminate! — them.
Notice Where You’re Escaping/Numbing
Now, let’s go a bit deeper in our self-assessment.
Where are you doing things designed to escape/numb?
Like scrolling way too long on your phone…
… or bingeing multiple episodes of a show in one sitting…
… or playing video games for hours…
… or… ?
There are SO many ways we can do this.
Of course, some of this is OK.
Some of this is what we need just to get through a challenging time that is traumatizing and difficult on so many levels.
Taking a break from it all is necessary sometimes.
But are you numbing or escaping a lot? Is this one of the main ways you choose to spend your time? When you look back on your past few weeks, do you notice that there are lots of these types of behaviors there?
See for yourself.
This isn’t an accusation.
I’m not calling you out.
I’m calling you in… to caring for yourself… and to seeking out community, instead. For at least some of the time you’re just escaping or numbing!
Notice Where Things You’re Doing Are Actively Harmful
As you continue your assessment of the way you’re living your “one wild and precious life”… also look at places where what you’re doing is actively harmful.
Where are you doing things that, in the end, harm your health and wellness?
How might you be perpetuating harm for others?
Where are you perpetuating over-work?
How are you procrastinating doing things you know you need to do?
How might you be sucking the joy out of your days?
What feels like a real heaviness, or a drag on your life?
What is most stressing you out?
Anything in this category is not only not-helping, not only taking you out of your present moment (by escapism or numbing)… but it is actually harming you and your present and future well-being.
What things fit into this category, for you?
Schedule Your Community Time
Okay. What’s next?
By reflecting on the above prompts, and zeroing in on some answers from your present-day life, you’ll have hopefully identified some things that you can start to remove from your life — thus opening up more breathing room.
And then… what can you do with that breathing room?
Don’t leave things up to chance.
Chance is what created your current reality.
Be intentional, instead.
Put actual appointments for time to focus on growing community on your calendar — whether a designated time every day, or an hour or two every week, or a day or more every month.
These appointments are sacrosanct.
You do not schedule over them.
And you have only one way you can spend these scheduled moments: creating and growing community. You can reach out to friends or loved ones to check in. You can schedule a coffee date with someone you love and miss. You can write letters. You can gather friends for a picnic or potluck. You can join a choir or another neighborhood group where you’re growing relationships and sharing joy. You can set up repeating things… or do something fresh each time! The sky is the limit.
What do you think?
Is this doable?
Is this helpful?
I hope so.
💗
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