Shedding Our Performance Impulse
... and owning our new conditioning...
Friends, we don’t need to do more.
So many of us are stuck in a feedback loop, one where we constantly feel like we are not-enough… so we feel like we need to do more… in order to be enough… or at least acceptable… or even just OK.
Our entire foundation is thus insecure.
The whole world feels especially insecure right now…
… so we are all craving a sense of security.
But guess what?
Finding your inner security — especially in the most challenging moments, like now — can often mean doing less.
Letting go.
Narrowing.
Shedding.
Something we should shed, especially in this challenging moment?
A performance impulse.
We've been trained to "perform" for donors and our larger community — perform competency, perform perfection, perform having-it-all-together.
And that's not actually being in community with anyone.
That's an inherent separation we're creating between us and them; we're on the stage, they're in the audience.
If, instead, we’re in community with people, that means sharing our struggles with them... and trusting them to respond with support and help.
That means they’re with us, in whatever we’re experiencing. They’re a safety net, a soft, safe place we can lean to rest…
… rather than a jury judging us, or even an audience watching us.
Have you experienced this?
Our Conditioning Is Often a Lie
I don’t know about you, but my own conditioning as I grew from childhood to adulthood was pretty much the opposite.
And when I look around me at the most prominent messages our dominant culture dispenses… I’m guessing you experienced much of the same.
Think about it.
From our very first breaths, this human experience trains us to look outside of ourselves for everything we need — and for confirmation that we are OK.
Everything from eating…
… to learning to move our bodies and locomote…
… to learning how to speak…
… gives us that experience.
And as the years go by, not only is this conditioning not revised…. but it is repetitively reinforced, in experience after experience.
I especially experienced this in my schooling.
Largely unconsciously, I learned what I needed to do to earn praise and positive reinforcement, and I did ever-more of that.
I knew that “A” was the best feedback, so I strove for that, of course — throughout all of those years in classrooms.
During my high school years, I learned there was a way to go even beyond that much-desired “A” — by taking AP and college courses — so I did that. And I graduated with not just a 4.0 GPA… but several points over that.
Being trained as a musician was much the same.
A piece wasn’t acceptable unless and until it was perfect — no wrong notes, no missed beats, every scale crisp and clear, all phrases perfectly sculpted.
We practiced and practiced and practiced.
Same notes, same phrases, same verses.
Again…
… and again…
… and again…
… in chasing that ideal of perfection.
When we performed that piece on a stage, no matter how big or small that stage was, we knew it had to be perfect.
You can fill in your own stories, I’m sure.
My guess is they’re quite similar.
Because this stuff is just so common.
Time for New Conditioning
We’re all adults now.
So it’s time for us to own that.
We don’t have to just accept the messages the world around us gives us, thinking that of course that’s where all the knowledge we need lies.
No.
We have plenty of knowledge inside us by now.
We have everything we need.
We are enough.
We only need to get better at getting quiet and still within ourselves (no small task in this loud and demanding current moment!)… tuning into ourselves… and listening to ourselves for the answers we need.
No matter what the answers are, we’ll be OK.
Because we’ve got ourselves, and we are enough.
And we’ve got community around us that will always show up for us when we need them — especially if we’ve prioritized cultivating and growing that community before we find ourselves actually needing something from them.
Save the Date!
July’s Community Coaching Gathering is coming up on Wednesday, July 30th, 3:30-5PM Central Standard Time.
Note: Community Coaching Gatherings are for Supporting Subscribers. Not yet one and interested in joining us?
So we’ve got some new messages to give ourselves.
Just like we were once repetitively conditioned to accept messages that are definitely not serving us anymore, and are likely actively undermining us, we can consciously choose our new conditioning… and commit to regularly reinforcing it within ourselves.
New Messages for Us:
I am enough.
I don’t need to do anything or go anywhere else to be OK.
I am OK, right here, right now.
I can rely on my community.
My community has my back.
Giving and receiving are a cycle.
The more I give, the more I will receive.
There is no need to perform.
Being me, being real is what I most need.
I don’t need to do it all.
The most important thing for me is to be connected with other humans… and to build loving, mutually caring and generous relationships with them.
Your Practical Homework
We’re going to start experimenting with this section at the end of our Friday Loveletters. The idea is to take what we’re reflecting on here… and help you bring it into your day-to-day life, practically.
Today’s homework is to take a walk.
Or close a door.
Or say no to something — or several somethings.
And then just…
… sit with yourself.
Breathe deeply.
And then read through this list of messages to re-condition ourselves.
The more you repeat them, the better.
As you become familiar with this list, you’ll be able to start reciting it to yourself in the quiet moments, those in-between moments — moments when you might have pulled out your phone in the past.
But instead, you’ll be able to take those deep breaths you’re learning… and remind yourself of your new reality.
Our New Messages for Ourselves:
I am enough.
I don’t need to do anything or go anywhere else to be OK.
I am OK, right here, right now.
I can rely on my community.
My community has my back.
Giving and receiving are a cycle.
The more I give, the more I will receive.
There is no need to perform.
Being me, being real is what I most need.
I don’t need to do it all.
The most important thing for me is to be connected with other humans… and to build loving, mutually caring and generous relationships with them.
Let’s all practice this, shall we?
And if we do…
… mark my words.
We’ll watch our practice of philanthropy profoundly change.
For the Love of Humanity is an online community made up of, and generously supported by, readers and listeners like you.
Your support — whether through a Supporting Subscription, or through leaving a “heart” or a comment on posts, or by sharing published pieces, or simply by bringing your presence here and helping to grow this community — is so appreciated.
Find For the Love of Humanity elsewhere and join us there too!