… soooooo we’re keeping this one short an…

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And then, there’s this: not only is the practice of philanthropy a much more kind way to re-awaken ourselves to the truths of our human lives, it’s a place we’ve started to experience a similar amnesia to that which so many of us experience in life writ large… and I can’t abide that.

I’m here to remind us again.

Read on….

For You: Today’s Main Course

Danger has a way of clarifying things.

One second, you’re wondering what the meaning of your life is.

The next, that life is threatened…

… and suddenly, you know exactly what matters.

I don’t know why, but for some reason, today’s anniversary of the September 11th terrorist attack — the 25th at that! (just… wow) — has been hitting me more deeply than any other one before it.

I feel like that may be the case for others too.

I’ve been seeing so many reflections and memories this year, many more than I remember seeing in all the years until now.

Somehow, the fact that it’s now been a quarter of a century since this traumatic, world-shifting event… makes it resonate with a realness that I’m not sure I’ve felt since September 11th, 2001.

I’ve been emotional.

I’ve felt weepy.

I feel like I’ve been tuning more deeply than ever before into the experiences of those souls who started a regular Tuesday morning going about their lives like every other Tuesday and, by the end of the day, had had the kind of close encounters with death — or, more to the point, had come face-to-face with the very real possibility that their life could end any moment — that ensured they were suddenly very clear about what was actually important to them… and what was not.

I’ve heard many stories today about the near misses, those who got so close to death that they could feel his breath on the backs of their necks — those who just happened to be called away from the twin towers at precisely the right moment, those whose schedule changed for some mundane and/or unusual reason, or those who defied orders from their bosses (or even the Port Authority who, in a hard-to-believe re-telling, were apparently shouting on bullhorns outside of the elevators they had shut down, telling people trying to leave the buildings to return to their offices, which we now know was a death sentence) and descended hundreds of stairs to the ground level, only to exit the building(s) within seconds or minutes of when they collapsed.

I relived the story of United Flight 93, feeling deeply the experiences of those passengers who realized they were headed to their deaths on a day, a flight, that had started like any other. Just like that, they knew it was all over. They knew what was happening. And suddenly, they knew what they had to do. As many of them as could do so called their loved ones and shared their hearts with them, saying everything they knew they wanted and needed to say. And then, they behaved like superheroes in a movie, forgetting all of their human foibles and fears, actively sacrificing their lives in an attempt to save as many of their fellow humans as possible.

I’ve heard about the first responders who rushed into Manhattan on their days off, driven by a force that can only be interpreted as the brute force of Love with a capital “L” — to be there for their cherished comrades and the people they had sworn to protect and serve.

I’ve read about the 150 different vessels — “merchant ships, fireboats, charter boats, tugboats, passenger ferries, and even the Staten Island Ferry,” that “helped herd half a million people… to safety,” after they answered a call from the U.S. Coast Guard to help shell-shocked survivors escape the wreckage of Lower Manhattan by sea — apparently the largest civilian maritime evacuation in history.

And again and again, I’ve thought: there was no confusion that day.

Everyone saw, in sharp relief, what mattered.

No one worried about their 401K.

No one paused to make sure they were getting credit.

No one prioritized their biological relatives over any other human.

No one took the people they loved for granted.

No one was caught up in whatever they might have decided separated them from other humans on any other day.

None of that happened.

Instead, people prioritized speaking their truest hearts to their loved ones. They related to their fellow human beings around them like the siblings they had been all along. They forgot themselves and their egos, as they were absorbed into embodying a kind of courage that is only possible when love is prevailing above all else.

I wasn’t planning on writing about today today.

But as it turns out, I couldn’t not write about today today.

Today demanded to be written about — especially because today is the eve of my own cataclysmic, life-altering wake-up-call to Life with a capital “L.”

Today marks 25 years since the September 11th attacks.

Tomorrow marks four years since my cancer diagnosis.

And yes, these kinds of events wake us up.

They bust us out of the stupor that life can lull us into.

They make sure that we’re attuned to the miracle of it all.

They make abundantly clear how fragile these lives of ours are — just how swiftly, how suddenly they could come to an end.

But I’d like to suggest we don’t need this.

We don’t need wake-up calls.

We don’t need death to wack us over the head.

We know what matters.

We know.

Deep down, we know — and yet, we let the siren songs of ego, of pride, of greed, of material consumption and hoarding, of pettiness, of inter-personal drama, of self-doubt, of fear, of anxiety, of needing all the accolades for every little thing we do…

… cloud the purest impulse we have: to love.

Philanthropy — the “industry” of philanthropy, that is — has gotten to the point that it needs this kind of wake-up call.

And yet…

… I’m saying it shouldn’t need it.

We know better.

We know better.

We know.

We know love.

We know what matters.

So…

… let’s start acting like it, people.

Let’s start living the love we know we are, the love we know matters more than anything else, the love we know we owe each other as the most basic gratitude for the gift of these lives we’re living together on this here Earth.

Today.

Tomorrow.

And all the tomorrow’s after that….

… because there is no other pursuit worthy of these miraculous, beautiful Earth-lives we’ve been gifted out of some kind of cosmic generosity.

So let’s stop dinking around.

Let’s get real.

Let’s prioritize love, in every day, in every way we can…

… yes, friends?

Conversation: Your Real Real

I really want to know your more detailed and nuanced thoughts, too. Let’s start a conversation on this topic. Visit the comments section!

Leave a comment

Practice: Make It Yours

Find a place where you can be quiet — and uninterrupted — for a while.

Breathe deeply.

Settle into your body.

As you continue to breathe deeply and settle more deeply into your body, ask yourself these questions… and reflect on the answers:

• If my life were ending today, what would I want to do first?

• What would I want people to remember about me?

• What would I want to leave behind?

Once you have your answers, I suggest you start living out those answers…

… no matter how many more days you have here.

A Gift for You: Something to Sit With

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Read on….

For You: Today’s Main Course

Well, y’all, we did it!

We held the inaugural For the Love…! event last week at Black Garnet Books in Saint Paul, Minnesota.

We ate delicious food from Afro Deli.

We mingled with each other, drinking Somali tea, with soft music in the background… and then we sat down for a meaningful conversation with each other that opened our minds and hearts.

I brought a collection of candles from home… and cut flowers from my backyard garden, putting them in tiny vases I’ve collected over the years.

We definitely did it.

We had a dinner party!

BIG THANKS to our special guests and speakers, Mallory Mitchell and Jonathan C.W. Jones, for sharing so openly and powerfully with us and seeding our discussion.

And thank you again — so very much — to these three values-aligned businesses for taking a chance on this new, unproven experiment… and stepping in to partner with me and make it possible:

1. Remember Angela Schlessinger and Aspasia Collaborative when a nonprofit you're involved with needs help with board and/or organizational development, especially (these are her special passions/expertise)... but Angela was a nonprofit CEO, so she can help with so much, including fundraising of course.

2. Remember Donte Curtis and Catch Your Dream Consulting when you're looking for a keynote speaker, trainer, or facilitator to make your team or organization a better place to be for everyone. Also, here's your chance to pre-order Donte's book (Breaking the Cycle of White Supremacy) and support his Kickstarter, to make publishing the book possible. To be clear, this book doesn’t get published without our help. And it’s gonna be a good one, you can bet on it, based on how popular and in-demand Donte’s workshop by the same name is. Let’s help make this book a reality, shall we?!

3. Finally, BIG UPS to a longtime leader in our community who is now leading a new business venture, Bo Thao-Urabe of Rooted to Last — which you should seek out when you're looking for help rooting your work in the wisdom, relationships, and leadership of multi-generational social justice leaders.

To Give You a Taste…

Now, for those of you who couldn’t make it, here’s a taste of it all.

The arc of our discussion:

• We started our discussion with the “for the LOVE!” meaning of that phrase — you know, the one you shout out involuntarily when you JUST CAN’T EVEN with something, it’s just so bad… or painful… or frustrating? Yeah. That part. We started by sharing stories where Blackness was marginalized within philanthropy.

• We clarified that there was a difference between what many of us think of, when we use the word “philanthropy” (a system that has become an “industry” and is deeply steeped in the norms of our dominant culture, like White Supremacy Culture and anti-Blackness)… and a “philanthropy” that is much more attuned to the root meaning of that word (love of humanity). Jonathan even shared about understandings of philanthropy that existed before that Greek word (philanthropy) even existed, including what is thought of as the first existence of the concept in ancient Egypt. We wanted to be clear that there are vastly different meanings of this word, depending on the context.

• Our speakers ended their remarks by sharing stories of a Black version of philanthropy that was truly enacted for the LOVE of other humans… and to actively practice and grow community.

• Attendees then talked in small groups about all we had laid out.

• We closed with a larger group discussion.

Mallory and Jonathan started out by sharing stories about ways that they had been marginalized by anti-Blackness, within their work in the modern “industry” of nonprofits/philanthropy.

Mallory’s story illustrated more of the personal side of anti-Blackness, while Jonathan’s gave a damning look at systemic anti-Blackness.

You ready for these stories?

They’re a bit hard to stomach.

Mallory’s Story of Anti-Blackness

Mallory was hired as the Development Director of a nonprofit that was — wait for it — led by another community of color. (Yes, this means that the anti-Blackness she experienced was not at the hands of White folks.)

Within a few weeks of her arrival, a new hire suddenly arrived, someone who was essentially a peer, reporting to the Executive Director (ED) as she was, and focusing on program and operational things.

The fact of the new hire was a bit odd.

There hadn’t been any talk about a new hire, nor was she aware of any strategic reason for the hire. The woman just suddenly showed up one day.

When the ED first introduced them, Mallory realized that they already knew each other — because, alongside her work in the nonprofit sector, she has always maintained a side job for extra cash, and because she enjoys it, at a local wine shop. Her new colleague had been one of her “regulars” for a while. They both laughed at the realization, initially.

And after that point, it seemed like this woman (who was not White but could pass for White) had it in for Mallory.

For starters, she would make comments that definitely had plausible deniability… but that also definitely had the effect of marginalizing Mallory and her Blackness:

• A side comment about how the wine shop needed “good help” (which didn’t only come off to Mallory as calling her “the help,” as more than one colleague who overheard the comment checked in with Mallory afterward, as they had felt the energy behind the words too).

• An “auto-correct” in an email to Mallory that, instead of saying “cut and paste,” said “cotton paste” — of course potentially referencing the work of countless enslaved African Americans toiling in cotton fields, in our country’s history… and invoking Mallory’s literal relationship to them.

The insidious thing about comments like this is that, again, one can easily hear them and think, “Oh, she didn’t mean it that way.” And yet… there’s a good chance she did, and folks like Mallory are left feeling targeted and marginalized, regardless of what the actual intention was.

And then, there was an instance that was so blatant, there was no way to plausibly deny the animous, if you ask me….

Mallory had scheduled, and was leading, a virtual meeting with a funder.

This woman showed up to the meeting, late — even though her job was not actually related to development or fundraising.

On top of the general disruption and confusion of her showing up to a meeting she wasn’t needed at, you have to imagine the stress a Development Director like Mallory might feel, when a senior leader from her organization shows up late to a meeting with a funder (with whom she is responsible for managing the relationship, which of course involves making a good impression on them).

After she arrived, the woman greeted every single person in the Zoom room, by name, telling them she was looking forward to working with them.

Except Mallory.

She not only did not mention Mallory — the Development Director leading the meeting! — but she didn’t even acknowledge her presence.

Now, one cannot know everything happening in this situation.

There seems to be some classism at play.

This woman first knew Mallory in a retail service role, and she was seemingly unwilling to shift her relationship with Mallory to one of a colleague, a peer — one who had earned a graduate degree just like she did and definitely had lots of experience and expertise in the work she was leading at the organization.

There definitely seems to be anti-Blackness at play too, for many other reasons, not least of which was how she treated the Black clients of the org differently than she treated other clients.

But honestly?

The part that is even worse than the treatment by this woman…

… was how the Executive Director responded to it all.

She didn’t.

She basically ignored it.

She definitely witnessed it, as she was present in many of the scenarios. She even checked in with Mallory after some of them. Mallory also was clear with her about how these things were affecting her.

And she didn’t address it at all.

THIS has to be the most powerful anti-Blackness of it all.

How are any of these scenarios ever going to get better…

… if the leaders don’t LEAD?

If leaders within our field just…

• lean into the plausible deniability;

• don’t set a tone of respect and dignity for all on the team;

• don’t hold anyone who doesn’t follow that tone accountable;

• and act like they don’t actually have any power in a situation…

… that is a sure sign that nothing is ever going to change…

… and problems like anti-Blackness will just continue.

How can we be OK with that?

Jonathan’s Story of Anti-Blackness

We’ve all heard the statistics about how under-funded Black-led organizations are, right? Even after the 2020 uprising for racial justice and Black lives.

There are so many reports on the subject.

So many articles.

So many.

So many.

Jonathan has lived these reports and articles.

And he and his whole family have lived the stress it creates.

Jonathan started his career as an educator and school administrator, serving many years within local school districts.

At some point, he saw how few Black men like him there were within the field… and also how the few of them that did exist really struggled in a system that was definitely not built to support them.

So he decided to act.

He started reaching out to, and weaving community with, the many Black men he knew in the field of education — which then led him to others that those men knew.

He wanted to honor these men and their work in raising up the next generation, especially rising generations of Black children, who he knew were profoundly affected for the better by having teachers and mentors who they saw themselves in.

First, he published several magazine issues honoring these men — sharing beautiful, professional portraits of them; telling their stories; celebrating them and their work; introducing them to each other.

Then, the men started telling him how much they thought more support for their brothers in education was necessary.

So Jonathan established a 501c3, the UpLiFT Movement, that would operationalize a mentoring program (paid, which critically respects the time and expertise of both mentors and mentees, in addition to their need to support themselves and their families with their time and expertise).

Through the program, newer Black male educators would be paired with more seasoned educators who could support and guide them through the difficulties of their days, weeks, months, and years.

So critical, right?!

So necessary.

Not only is this program critical for the educators themselves, helping them to not only survive in, but thrive in, a difficult environment.

But even more, when these educators are thriving, they are that much more equipped to help rising generations of Black kids soar too — as those kids are taught and inspired by elders who come from where they come from, who help them see how much they can be, just by being it themselves.

The program’s success can be proven by its data.

But perhaps most tellingly demonstrating the program’s success, participants in the program are the most reliable source of new recruits, because they talk so powerfully and passionately about their positive experiences.

Clearly this is a winning, necessary mission… right?

But you wouldn’t be able to tell that by the funding.

You ask me?

This program is a slam dunk for funding.

But that’s not the reality.

UpLiFT struggles to bring in the dollars needed to run the organization — and, given that Jonathan left his education job to run the organization full-time, betting on himself and the mission he could see was so successful and necessary, that means that he’s feeling the stress of not being able to adequately support his family, and his family is feeling that stress too.

Now, don’t get this twisted.

Jonathan is a good grant writer.

He actually learned that skill as an educator — winning grants for the programs he was running in his school districts. In fact, he was so good at it that he started a side business where he would teach other educators how to do the same.

Also, as I’ve mentioned, they’ve got plenty data to prove how effective and necessary their program and mission are.

And get this!

UpLiFT applied to the state’s Department of Education for support and actually won a significant grant from them — mostly unheard of for small orgs like theirs.

They celebrated so hard!

… except…

They only came to find out after the grant was awarded that it was a reimbursable grant — meaning they needed to front the money before they could ever see any dollars come through from the state.

So, here Jonathan sits.

Getting grant rejection after grant rejection.

Being chosen for a cohort from a local org called GiveMN — celebrate again! — that would help them work with their board to stage a giving campaign during our state’s massive day of fundraising for nonprofits and schools, called Give to the Max Day. And yet, seeing next-to-no results when the fundraising day came around.

Having thousands of dollars that they could be receiving from the state…

… just sitting there, as they struggle to find other money first.

Make it make sense!

Again, there’s plausible deniability here. You may hear this story and think, “Well, there must be other reasons than anti-Blackness why this is happening.” But then, you’d have to realize:

• brilliant founder

• sorely needed mission

• receipts to prove the work’s success

• directly affects our community’s future by raising up the next generation and helping prepare them to thrive and help our communities thrive

• even an unusual state grant awarded

… and yet…

… they can barely keep the lights on.

You’re reaching, if you’re looking for any other reason why this mission is not prioritized and generously funded by many institutions and individuals…

… because you just can’t find it.

NOTE: I highly encourage you to support the UpLiFT Movement by giving to them today. Starting a monthly gift is the BEST way you can do that, as it gives them reliable, ongoing income for their work! And remember: your gift(s) allow(s) that state money to start flowing….

And Finally, Our Breath of Fresh Air: Black Philanthropy

After all of that…

… the frustration…

… the struggle…

… the stress…

… the self-doubt…

… the anti-Blacknes of it all, experienced by these two brilliant, big-hearted, deeply committed, community-serving professionals who would never have experienced any of this if they weren’t also Black…

… we were ready to be inspired.

Both Mallory and Jonathan had many stories about the Black Philanthropy they had experienced throughout their lives.

But they both chose one story to share.

Mallory told us about her experiences growing up in a Black church in rural Alabama. They had a program in their church called the “Love Program.” Don’t you just love that name?! This was basically the church community's way of rallying around an individual or family when they really needed it (help with rent; a sickness; some other thing). They'd have a gathering in the gym; break bread together; raise money; and raise whatever resources were needed. Anybody and everybody at the church could be blessed by a "Love Program." Many-to-most members were.

Jonathan talked about his experiences in a Black fraternity, which he joined while an undergrad at the HBCU Xavier University in New Orleans, Louisiana. Not only do he and his fraternity brothers raise serious amounts of money to support Black students and their dreams of higher education, but they regularly support each other. If one of the brothers is ever struggling for any reason (job loss; sickness; family emergency; whatever), the brothers rally around him and lift him up.

Do you feel the difference in these stories?

Instead of bias…

… lack…

… stress…

… alienation…

… struggle…

… power games…

… lack of leadership…

… lack of heart…

… coldness…

… and a lack of community…

… we get to experience the opposite of those things.

Black philanthropy is…

• all-inclusive

• loving

• community-minded

• compassionate

• uplifting

• abundant

• empathetic

• leader-full

• human-focused

• warm

• nurturing

• collaborative

• collective

• grounded in connection

• helps everybody participating truly experience being a part of something bigger than themselves that really matters…

… and so much more.

Black Philanthropy is the blueprint, y’all.

Black Philanthropy is how I want to experience philanthropy. Don’t you?

Black Philanthropy is what philanthropy was always meant to be.

With this post, I’m closing out my own celebration of Black Philanthropy Month this August — but I don’t plan on waiting until next August to keep celebrating it.

I’m asking you to join me.

Let’s celebrate Black Philanthropy year-round, shall we?

And let’s also decide that we’re going to end anti-Blackness within the professional field of work that is the “industry” of philanthropy/nonprofits, once and for all.

You in?

Conversation: Your Real Real

I really want to know your more detailed and nuanced thoughts, too. Let’s start a conversation on this topic. Visit the comments section!

Leave a comment

Practice: Make It Yours

Look around you.

Where in your life can you embody and enact philanthropy like you see it being embodied and enacted in Mallory and Jonathan’s stories of Black Philanthropy?

Ask yourself:

• Who can you help?

• How can you organize the help?

• Who will help with you?

• How will you grow community while helping?

• And perhaps most importantly, how can you ask for help from your community when you are the one who needs it?

Don’t think too much.

Just see a need, and act.

Then, afterward…

… reflect on how the acting blessed you.

A Gift for You: Something to Sit With

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… so we’re keeping this one short and swee…

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Anyway, I knew I had to write about this topic… because it’s been organically coming up in SO many conversations, in SO many different settings lately. Friends, this topic is SO very important, and it’s something that many of us are struggling with.

Read on….

For You: Today’s Main Course

Y’all, we struggle with conflict.

Like struggle-struggle.

Like we suddenly found ourselves on the I-don’t-know-how-to-handle-conflict-struggle-bus long ago and, over time, the forces of entropy and inertia have meant that we’ve not-only not ever left the bus, but we’ve grown such roots into its seats and floors that we have become a part of it — which doesn’t bother us, really, because we never really intended to leave anyway.

We don’t know any better, really.

And there’s not really anyone around to show us a better way.

Do you know anyone who’s “good” at conflict?

Someone who appreciates it?

Someone who approaches it in a healthy way?

My guess is no…

… because there are so few people like that.

There’s a reason we see so much unhealthy conflict all around us — whether in friendships, or in romantic partnerships, or at work, or in community groups, or in government: we weren’t ever taught any other way.

And if seemingly no one knows a better way…

… how are any of us ever going to find it?

Over the years, I’ve gotten better at conflict. But I had to learn my lessons the hard way, and pretty much on my own — since, again, I didn’t really have anybody stepping forward to show me the way.

So today, I want to share with you some of the truths I’ve learned about conflict — truths that, if more of us believe and embody them, have the potential to completely transform our world. I’m serious.

Conflict Is 100% Inevitable In Relationships

So many people I’ve known through the years seem to have the idea that a “good” relationship is one without conflict.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

A good relationship embraces conflict — because there is no way two or more human beings can be in relationship with each other and never step on each others’ toes or disagree on anything. That’s just not possible.

We will step on each others’ toes.

We will disagree.

Being human and being in relationship means that there will be conflict.

The most honest questions to ask are what type of conflict there will be… and how the members of the relationship will handle it.

So to be clear, if a relationship “doesn’t have conflict,” that just means that conflict is being stuffed down and/or avoided.

And that will never end well.

Avoiding Conflict Doesn’t Make It Go Away

You realize that avoiding conflict doesn’t make it go away, right?

That feels like an obvious statement to me… but, given how so many people behave in relationships, I have to assume that it’s not obvious.

In fact, avoiding conflict often makes its drama increase.

Conflict creates many things as it develops and remains unaddressed.

Resentments.

Hurt feelings.

Grudges.

Misunderstandings.

Judgements.

All those things then exist within us as live energies, energies that actually take up space within our beings — energies that are as real and affecting as the blood pulsing through our veins.

If we don’t openly acknowledge conflict…

… those energies don’t cease to exist.

In fact, what is more likely is that they will increase, the more that they are ignored and stuffed away. Indeed, the natural tendency of energies like this is to grow and dig in and become more rooted and rigid, the longer they go unaddressed and unresolved.

And when that happens?

Those energies within us create energetic walls between us and the other(s) with whom we are in conflict.

What does that mean, you may be asking?

Reflect on your own experiences.

If you’re mad at someone and don’t want to tell them why… are you able to let love flow from within you…toward them?

No, right?

There is no-to-significantly-reduced energetic flow between you.

There is stagnation in your relationship.

You isolate. And they isolate. And they have no idea what’s going on with you, nor how they might have hurt you… and you have no way to communicate the hurt to them… and if you’re not communicating it, you have no way to resolve it.

So it persists.

And it grows.

And it hardens.

What it doesn’t do?

Go away.

Conflict Doesn’t Have to Blow Things Up

Hey, I get it.

I absolutely get why people avoid conflict.

We have $#!+ experiences with conflict.

Many bad experiences, usually.

Most of us learned early on in our lives that conflict means drama… and people stomping all over us and our needs… and getting hurt… and being unfairly judged… and being misunderstood… and being hated or rejected… and more horrible things that are essentially the worst of human experience.

There are reasons we’re afraid of conflict — good reasons.

There are reasons we avoid it at all costs…

…reasons we think it’s bad…

…and reasons we think it ruins relationships…

…because that’s what we’ve seen, again and again.

This is an understandable and justified conclusion, given the evidence!

And yet…

… this conclusion is deeply flawed and mistaken…

… because it doesn’t draw from what’s actually the truth.

Just because we haven’t seen the truth yet doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. And the truth is that conflict doesn’t need to actually blow everything up — and thus we don’t have to avoid it like a ticking time-bomb.

Conflict Can Actually Bring Us Closer to Each Other

If I tell you that conflict can actually bring us closer to each other, what do you think? Do you think I’ve gone mad?

I’d understand if you do.

Because again (see above), our dominant culture gives us scarce-to-nonexistent examples of healthy conflict.

So if we’re paying attention to the world around us, we’ve taken our notes, and we’ve drawn conclusions as a result, we will definitely not arrive at the belief that conflict can be good in relationships.

But do you see the fallacy therein?

We are basing our beliefs on severely limited data.

The world around us is clearly limping along.

Humanity is very obviously struggling to relate in healthy ways to our planetary home, let alone to each other. If we’re honest, we’ll admit that there seems to be a lot we have yet to learn, as human beings, about how to live on this planet with each other.

Think about it like this.

If a group of toddlers is crawling around on the floor together, and they never have any older people around them (an absolutely unlikely situation, I’ll admit, but go with it to see this metaphor through), they’ll have no idea that walking is even an option… so they’ll likely never try it.

This is a bit like how we adult humans are with conflict.

Some of us have tried getting up onto two feet… and fallen back on our bums… or fallen and hit our heads… or otherwise gotten hurt… so, even if we were game to try, we were often quickly dissuaded. And I’ll be honest, I can probably count on one hand the humans I’ve met who kept trying until they actually learned to walk.

So how about we at least talk about walking?

Look at it this way.

We’ve talked about how avoiding conflict just ends up creating (invisible-to-the-eye, but very-energetically-real) walls between people.

So what would be the alternative?

The alternative would be dissolving the walls…

… by deciding we value the relationship more than the walls.

And how do we do that?

Well (and I speak from experience, here), those walls can only dissolve when you give their realities a voice… and then you experience yourself being received by the ones with whom you’re in relationship. And if they respond to you in a way that honors you and your experience… and expresses empathy… and genuinely apologizes for any harm they brought to you… it’s amazing how quickly that wall of energy can transform… into connection and intimacy and love.

Now, don’t get this twisted.

When I talk about connection and intimacy and love, I’m not referring to romance. These things can — and do — exist outside of romance. In fact, experiencing these things outside of romance, even in professional settings, is something we rarely acknowledge as possible (even though it is).

Connection and intimacy and love flow between people who are held within containers of honesty, vulnerability, and mutual empathy and care. Note: these containers must be leak-proof. These qualities are not optional, or the whole thing crumbles.

In relationships where this is possible…

… honesty must be non-negotiable and mutual…

… as must vulnerability…

… as must empathy and care.

When we have taken the risk to share an honest, vulnerable part of ourselves with someone…

… and they have received us with empathy and care…

… and they have shown us that we can trust them with that part of us…

… suddenly, there’s a whole new, powerful flow of relationship between us, one not encumbered by taboos or secrets or can’t-go-there topics. At that point, even more love is possible between us, and more love is likely to flow between us freely.

Now, let me say more about what I mean by “love” here….

Our Relationships Can Contain Conflict, Within Love

Love is another thing we rarely understand in our dominant culture.

There are lots of messed-up things people do to other people, after they have declared that they “love” them.

There are lots of twisted things people are talking about, when they’re using the language of “love” for another person.

For many of us, love that actually feeds us and cares for us — the full and real and not-toeing-any-lines-to-earn-acceptance version of us — is either something that seems imaginary… or only applies in certain narrow circumstances… or is something that is only for other people, not us.

For many of us, a love that is universal is fiction.

For many of us, a love that is unconditional is a pipe dream.

For many of us, a love that holds us and nurtures us no matter what we might do or say, or how badly we might screw up, is something we’d never dare wish for.

Few of us know love like that.

And honestly?

Only a few of us will continue to know this love… until a critical mass of us starts looking within ourselves for it — which is where we’ll finally find it.

How can any of us love someone else well… if we haven’t first learned how to love ourselves, so we can experience love deep within? If we don’t know love from experience, it’s a heckuva lot harder to share it.

Think about it.

All of us humans are running around the planet looking for someone, somewhere who can love us the way we want and need to be loved… while meanwhile, most of us haven’t shown any dedication to loving ourselves first. So to be clear: everyone’s looking for something outside of themselves… that no one else can really give… until they know what it is, from experience.

How are any of us going to know love from experience… if the places we’re looking for it are people who are also looking for it (and yet to find it)?

We are made to love.

(That’s why we’re so driven to seek it.)

Love is the most essential quality of our beings.

From the moment we’re born, we’re love embodied… and, unfortunately, this world has a way of ensuring we forget that.

So our work is to remember.

The primary way I learned to remember this myself is through practicing meditation. There’s a reason I provide Morning Meditations for Supporting Subscribers of this community: I want to help you have this experience, too. Spending regular time in stillness and contemplation within ourselves helps us remember and re-connect to the love at the core of our beings — which helps us feel loved in a way that’s hard to otherwise.

In addition, another great way to remember who you are (and by that I mean to remember that you are love)… is within relationships that are committed containers of everything I’ve mentioned:

• honesty;

• vulnerability;

• mutual empathy and care.

Why do I use the word container?

Because conflict needs to be held within a commitment of honest, vulnerable, mutually empathetic and caring relationship for it to exist without becoming a bomb.

The power and tension of conflict often expands outward. And if there aren’t clear boundaries to contain the power and tension — boundaries that are held and strengthened by the commitment of each member of a relationship to staying in honest, vulnerable, mutually empathetic and caring relationship with each other member of the relationship — it will explode. Eventually. And/or someone will walk away, and the container will be broken.

The commitment to each other must be there, for conflict to be productive and not simply destructive.

And the commitment of each individual to actively cultivate love within and for themselves must come before anything else.

Is any of this easy?

No.

Is the challenge worth it?

100%.

Is this actually how and who we were made to be, as human beings?

Why yes, it is.

Is this why we can experience such deep joy, when we do this?

Also yes.

All of This Takes Practice

Even though we’re born to love and can actively beam out love from our first shared gazes with our caregivers (when we’re not sleeping or crying or eating or pooping in our diapers)… the process of developing and growing from a baby human to an adult human generally involves a dampening and/or burying of those love beams shining out from within us, as life here on Earth is generally not easy, and we generally start to feel pretty chastened by it pretty quickly.

This is why we need to actively practice remembering, as adults.

Meditation is one way to practice.

Embracing conflict within loving, committed relationship containers with other human beings is another great way to practice.

So.

Do you see what I mean, when I say that conflict isn’t the enemy?

Conflict is actually our friend, because of the ways it helps us learn to love ourselves… communicate our deepest truths… be vulnerable with other human beings… and deeply connect in mutually empathetic and caring relationships with other humans, which is (spoiler alert) essentially the best parts of being human.

Even more, if/when we can do this with each other…

… this is actually the way we can most effectively collaborate with each other to create the better world we all seek.

And, since none of us can actually do that alone, and since most of us would like to see a better world, it sure seems like practicing healthy conflict is a pretty important to-do item, wouldn’tcha say?

Let’s start practicing together.

We will mess up.

And we can try again…

… and again…

… and again.

Because we have each other.

And we’ll commit to each other.

And that’s all we need.

Conversation: Your Real Real

I really want to know your more detailed and nuanced thoughts, too. Let’s start a conversation on this topic. Visit the comments section!

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Practice: Make It Yours

As I mentioned, your ability to live in right relationship with others is deeply dependent on your ability to experience love within yourself first.

You have to know it to be able to give it, right?

So.

Let’s practice loving ourselves.

Find a place where you won’t be disturbed.

Ground yourself with some deeeeeeep breaths.

Then, ask yourself these questions… and (this part is very important) pause, get quiet within yourself, and really listen for the answers:

• What do I most need in relationship with others?

• How do I feel loved?

• How can I best love myself today?

Once you’ve heard your answers, respond accordingly.

Loving yourself is caring for yourself in the way(s) you most need care. So don’t hesitate. Get your answers. Find out what you most need. And then dedicate yourself to creating the conditions within which you can meet those deepest needs. Slowly but surely, if you reliably do this again and again, you’ll start to trust yourself. And that will be the best way you can learn to trust others, too.

Before you know it, you’ll be on your way to deeper, more consistent love within yourself… and deeper, more consistent love within your relationships.

A Gift for You: Something to Sit With

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In addition, I’m super-stoked to let you know that Donte Curtis of Catch Your Dream Consulting has come aboard as the Venue Sponsor (he’s as passionate about supporting Black Garnet Books as I am!). Do you know Donte? Have you experienced his dynamic and meaningful trainings/keynotes? If you have, then you know. He’s one-of-a-kind, with a presence that is both inspiring and grounded. Check him out at his website… and he will also be at the event, so you can talk to him there!

Of course, the original sponsor, the Presenting Sponsor, the wind beneath my wings on this whole new adventure… is Angela Schlesinger of Aspasia Collaborative. Not only has she provided financial support… she’s also provided roll-up-your-sleeves, whadaya-need-most support too… which is SO meaningful, especially for a first-time event that I’m figuring out as I go. Angela has been the all-in, showing-up-when-and-where-it-counts presence I’ve needed. And this is just how she rolls. If you are starting up a nonprofit, figuring out your leadership and governance systems, or charting your org development… she’s your go-to. She’s been in the nonprofit CEO seat… so you know, like I know, that she basically knows it all, when it comes to nonprofits.

All the Details You Need

➡️ Join us for this inaugural For the Love…! event, the start of what will be a series of down-to-earth gatherings and discussions focused on things that bother us about our current lives together in community... and how we'd like to see them change for the better. We're envisioning and making a new world, here — together.

➡️ This first event is celebrating Black Philanthropy Month — which is a global celebration observed every August to recognize, amplify, and invest in Black-led giving, funding equity, and community change. Founded in 2011 by Dr. Jackie Bouvier Copeland, the movement highlights financial, time, and talent contributions across the African diaspora… and is now the largest global movement for Black philanthropy.

Get your ticket(s) here!

➡️ Wednesday, August 26th | 6:30-8:30 PM @ Black Garnet Books

➡️ Our delicious dinner will be from Afro Deli.

➡️ We will have a conversation featuring insights and stories from our special guests Mallory Mitchell and Jonathan C.W. Jones... and explore how we can all embrace Black philanthropy more.

➡️ More re: Mallory: Rapidly emerging as a sought-after keynote speaker, Mallory Mitchell is redefining fundraising leadership with her radically warm, community-centric approach. As the co-founder of Aligned Strategy Group, she's sparked transformational change nationwide by challenging the rules that hold fundraisers back. With experience spanning major gifts to development director roles, Mallory creates light bulb moments that shift cultures toward abundance and equity. Her commitment to advancing racial equity earned her the 2021 National Philanthropy Day Award from AFP Minnesota. Featured in the Chronicle of Philanthropy and a former University of Minnesota adjunct professor, Mallory provides practical wisdom to help nonprofit leaders claim their confidence in fundraising.

➡️ More re: Jonathan: A seasoned community leader, Jonathan C.W. Jones is a Minnesota-based champion of representation, mentoring, and support in education for communities of color. He is the founder and Executive Director of the UpLiFT Movement, CEO of Ideation4, and an educator and administrator who has served in multiple schools in the Twin Cities area. While he earned his M.Ed. in Special Education and Teaching from Penn State University, and a K-12 Principal Administrative Licensure and Certificate in Educational Leadership and Administration from the University of Minnesota-Twin Cities, he is an especially proud alum of Xavier University of Louisiana, an HBCU based in New Orleans.

Get your ticket(s) here!

➡️ Our Agenda: While eating your delicious dinner in this lovely setting, you’ll have a chance to hear stories and insights from Mallory and Jonathan, about their experiences in the world of philanthropy… and you’ll also have a chance to join the discussion! In small and larger group discussion, we’ll unpack and explore ways that Black philanthropy can become something we all embrace more.

➡️ Who This Is For: This gathering is for anyone who cares about working for better communities, in community — which is hopefully everyone reading this! We especially welcome people who are actively participating in the “industry” of the modern-day system of philanthropy (from fundraisers, to individual and family donors, to business-based community relations folks, to foundation founders or staffers or board members, to nonprofit board members, to nonprofit staffers, etc.). We want YOU to come… but if you can’t for whatever reason, please share this opportunity with folks who you think should be there! Thank you! 🙏🏻

Get your ticket(s) here!

In addition to essential support from Mission Growth Partners (my small business, the one behind For the Love of Humanity)… this event is made possible by our Presenting Sponsor, Aspasia Collaborative and our Venue Sponsor, Catch Your Dream Consulting, without whom this wouldn’t be possible.

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